Beaumont

"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd."

I've always liked that line. Voltaire's assertion seems to be particularly fitting with me in my current condition. Last night I broke my hand, my metacarpal bone if I recall correctly. I spent the best part of today in the emergency room, exhausted, irritated, bored and alone. It's a pretty grim place, but dwelling on this now just doesn't seem right.

The bone in my hand is totally broken at a nauseating angle. There were remarks made about it being 'displaced', but to us common people, it was just fuckin' vile, the split bone crossing from one side of my hand over to the next branched skeletal scaffold. I'm currently harbouring a cast and sling, but I'm in on Tuesday morning to get checked again. I had a brief meeting with the orthopedic surgeon and after examining the x-rays and jolting my hand around to the point of prepubescent squealing, he informed me that I've got some surgery ahead of me. He detailed it but it went over my head for the most part, but what I gathered was having my broken bone and two fingers wired with a steel plate fitted down the side. Looks like Tuesday will be fun...

I guess back to my initial sentiment... The doubt. I'm not sure where this is going to leave me with my day to day lifestyle. It's my right hand, my good hand, my drawing/painting/cutting/pasting/whateverthefuck hand, and having that out of action won't really sit too well in the slight consideration that I do art in college. And as for guitar, well I can't bring myself to strum a simple pattern with my hand like this. Any form of creation that I engage in is pretty much stopped in its tracks and perhaps I shouldn't sound so desperate, but that's my release and not having that is a pretty sepulchral prospect. There's three other things in this world thus far that grant me the kind of escapism that playing music or creating art does, one being karate, one being shows and the last being long gone. But how can I stagedive/faildive with this? I don't know if it's a chance I'm willing to take. Sure, there's nothing stopping me from going to shows and nothing will, but I don't know if I will be able to 'let go' standing at the back, minding my precious little broken baby, but we'll see what happens tomorrow. And as for karate, well I don't feel I've any explaining to do there.
It's not all bad, or atleast it could be worse, if this was two or three months back when I was working for colleges for next year, well I'd be rightly fucked. I have my place in NCAD, DIT if I want that instead and waiting for word from IADT, so in this sense this is good.

I think my reason for writing this is just to question the uncertainty of what's to come and to ask for simple advice. I can't go without creating and although my interest are drawn as far as Art by the likes of Chris Burden and Rudolf Schwarzkogler, I don't know if it's an aesthetic I'm willing to pursue right now.
So if any good soul could reccomend how I spend the next while, new types of creation I can try, be it art or ropey one handed guitar tapping that wouldn't interest me otherwise, get at me and help me out.
And if somebody could bring bubble wrap to the show tomorrow night, wrap my hand up and launch me from the stage assuring me I'll be fine, that could be great too.

All in all, maybe I like not knowing.